The Chronicles of Craigslist: Marcus Lieberman’s First Time
You never know when you might just lose your virginity to a Craigslist scammer.
WTF Is This?
Sometimes I sell things on Craigslist, and every time I receive annoying scam messages from at least one scam artist. Well, they don’t really bring much artistry to the table but they do offer an absurdly predictable pattern in their approach. And what is that if not an opportunity — to have some fun, of course.
Rather than block an endless stream of auto-generated numbers I decided to text these people back with the most ridiculous stories I could think of off the top of my head. Although, think is a strong word because the ultimate goal was just to text them whatever words popped into my head and resist any filtering. If it didn’t make sense, I’d make sense of it later. I will admit, however, I did occasionally have to look up a slang term or two (e.g. I forgot that “blow” is a slang term for cocaine, so, there are some challenges my personality insanity cannot easily overcome).
From just a few listings, I managed to have far more ridiculous conversations in a matter of a couple of hours. For all I know, it could have been with the exact same person — but that’s a little hard to think about.
This is one of those conversations.
In this one, I am Marcus Lierberman. The scammer is Tony Macaroni, because that’s what I named him.
Tony Macaroni: “MacBook Pro [DETAILS] — $XXXX ([LOCATION]) Do you still have it for sale?what is the condition”
Tony Macaroni: “Sony a7R II [DETAILS] — $XXXX ([LOCATION]) Do you still have it for sale?what is the condition”
Marcus Lieberman: “So, crazy story. My daughter got into the inventory and thought she’d surprise me by making a big pink cake, so she took the MacBook and the camera and a bunch of other stuff I’m selling, stacked them all up and frosted It all like a cake. It’s really my fault because I told her those were my favorite things so she’d think they’re important and not touch them but she overheard me and the wife making whoopee last night and I said “my favorite color is pink” because I was talking about my wife’s fantastic pussy. It’s really top notch, but I wasn’t going to tell my daughter that. That’s private. It would be totally inappropriate. I’m sure you understand what that’s like.”
Marcus Lieberman: “So I just lied and told her it was my favorite color. Well I didn’t know we had food coloring and frosting but this misunderstanding led to a bunch of problems. Anyway, I’m happy to sell you both the camera and the laptop. They’re still working pretty much. Like maybe you can’t type the F or the K keys so well but you can just use other words if you need those letters. Also the camera only can take half photos now because half the sensor is frosted. But maybe you can pick out the frosting. Anyway I just lost my job so I can’t lower the price but if that’s all good with you let’s set this sale up! Do you have PayPal? I just signed up. Do you need my account email or the password as well? I’m not familiar with the internet so much. I’m more of a hardware guy.”
Tony Macaroni: “Well I’m currently in New York city but i want it shipped to my partner in Florida(Us) for his Birthday Gift, so am willing to pay you upfront $4000 including shipping fee and handling hope this is real and not a scam. i have no problem sending you the money first..Do you have account with PayPal?”
As a side note, it is not necessary to specify Florida as a US location. There is no other place Florida could exist and everybody knows it. Any other Floridas are imposters.
Marcus Lieberman: “That’s great! Wow. I need to be sure you’re okay with the frosting, though. I don’t want your “partner” to get upset about the frosting because this wasn’t explained to him. Also, you can just say it’s your boyfriend. You don’t have to hide behind those words with me. Be loud and proud, bro. It’s cool. I voted for Hillary.
And I asked you about PayPal first so you obviously know I have it. I just need to know what sorts of information you need. Like just my email or do you need my address, phone number, my password? I don’t do the internet very much so I need your help with this.”
Tony Macaroni: “Text me your PayPal email address and name on account so i can proceed in making the payment now
I only need your PayPal email address and name on account”
Marcus Lieberman: “Spectacular! What a world this is. You can do anything with email these days. Just yesterday I received what I’m told is an eCard. It sang to me. Like a voice in the computer. Is that something or what? I’m very excited to do my first internet money transaction with you. I appreciate that you’ve been so gentle. I feel really safe with you, like we signed each other’s consent forms.”
Marcus Lieberman: “So I’m ready now. My name is Marcus Lieberman and I welcome you to PayPal me to the moon at marcus_lieberman_1@toasterdog.com”
Tony Macaroni: “Alright,I’m making the payment now”
Marcus Lieberman: “Oh that’s amazing”
Tony Macaroni: “Alright,I have successfully made the payment,i received an mail from paypal now,that they have sent you the notification to you,have you get it yet?”
Marcus Lieberman: “No, I have not
Are you sure you put it in all the way?”
Tony Macaroni: “The notice i got is that you should confirm it in your PayPal email address in box or Spam folder okay…”
Meanwhile, I had gone to sleep because it was getting late.
Tony Macaroni: “Did you got the payment now?”
Later that morning…
Marcus Lieberman: “Sorry I passed out from all the excitement but I’m conscious again. I found the email in my Sperm folder but there is no money in my PayPal account. It looks like you put another PayPal email in my box while I was out but that’s okay. It actually made me from special. Do you think we need to do the “sending process” again or what? Because I would definitely do it again if you want. I want to be conscious this time though.”
Tony Macaroni: “PayPal mail me that you are require to mail the tracking number to PayPal as instructed in the notification sent to you by replying the mails you got from them! so there can credited your payment asap…..there is absolutely nothing to worry about cos the money in question have already been deducted from my account and pending to be credited into your account as soon as you provide the shipment proof to PayPal okay?”
Marcus Lieberman: “Are you sure you don’t want to try sending it again with me?”
Tony Macaroni: “After you sure you don’t want to try sending it again with me?”
Marcus Lieberman: “So you’ll send it again?”
Tony Macaroni: “So you’ll send it again?”
Marcus Lieberman: “But I didn’t get it so just do it again
You can do it as much as you want
It’s safe with me”
Tony Macaroni: “But you have already got the confirmation email sent to from PayPal”
Marcus Lieberman: “I want more
Can you blame me?”
Tony Macaroni: “Want more?
Are you new to PayPal?”
Marcus Lieberman: “Yes I told you this was my first time”
Tony Macaroni: “All you need to do now is to get the Macbook and Camera down to any USPS Near you and have the Macbook and Camera shipped off through USps overninght delivery. then get back to PayPal with the shipment tracking number as instructed in the notification sent to you.. Your money will be credited into your account immediately PayPal receive the shipment proof.”
Marcus Lieberman: “I have to send an email too? I thought this was just a receiving relationship. I don’t know if that’s something I’m ready for. Will you do it again if I send it to you?”
Tony Macaroni: “I will resend it it now”
Marcus Lieberman: “Oh yeah!”
Marcus Lieberman: “I received it but I don’t think I liked it as much this time. I don’t think your heart was in it.
But a promise is a promise I guess…
Do I give you tracking numbers now?”
Tony Macaroni: “You need to get the package ship first”
Marcus Lieberman: “Yeah yeah for sure
But how many tracking numbers?”
Tony Macaroni: “You can ship the both together
Are you heading to the post office now?”
Marcus Lieberman: “Yes of course
I live on a farm so it’s going to take a while to get to the one that has computers
But I will let you know”
Tony Macaroni: “Alright,you’re not with the computer right now?
Hello”
Marcus Lieberman: “As much as I like you, I will not text and drive. My truck is like my baby, and it doesn’t frost my sales items so in some ways better. I will not put it at risk. That is very dangerous. But I am now at the post office with the computer and the photography camera.
I will do you right with the shipping”
Tony Macaroni: “Alright I want it ship through usps express mail next day delivery okay”
Marcus Lieberman: “Oh trust me I don’t want to waste any time
I have every intention to give it to you as fast as I can”
Tony Macaroni: “Thanks i really appreciate
Shipped?
Hello”
Marcus Lieberman: “Packages?! You said you only wanted one tracking number! Now I need to go back to the post office and cut the box in half and get them to issue another one? This is why I asked up front. I know once you get a little taste of a freshly shipped package you’re going to want another. And after all I went through to get to the post office. Do you know they have a 4pm alcohol checkpoint? I didn’t either and it’s Margarita Tuesday! I almost got a DUI but fortunately I have a very efficient metabolism. Obviously I would never drive my truck if I was impaired, but the cops don’t know that. It was harrowing.
So I hope you can be happy with just one tracking number. Maybe next time when you think you might want two packages instead of one you can let me know when I ask. There’s nothing wrong with wanting two packages. Two is better than one a lot of the times, I get it. I was ready to make that happen for you. I could’ve made them full-size, too, if that’s what you wanted. But now I think it’s too late.
So where does this tracking number go?”
Tony Macaroni: “YOU CAN GET IT SHIP SEPARATELY”
Marcus Lieberman: “Obviously! That was my whole point! But you said ship them together. You don’t get to complain now that you wanted them separate.”
Tony Macaroni: “Have you mail out the Packages or you’re going to do that in the morning”
Marcus Lieberman: “I don’t know where all the disbelief and trust issues are coming from. I have told you on numerous occasions that I shipped the package and just want to give you the tracking number. I keep asking where to put it, but I’ve realized I must be missing the message. You don’t want to tell me where to put it, you just want me to do it. To just stop asking and put it wherever I want. So I’ll do that and you let me know that it’s good.”
Tony Macaroni: “I just got your text now and read it clearly..Text me the shipping number so i can help you and emailed it to PayPal
Or you can also emailed it to PayPal by replying email through the confirmation email sent to you
You can email the tracking to PayPal by the follow email below
trackingsconsumer_funds@instruction.com
That is PayPal representative email okay”
Marcus Lieberman: “Oh Jesus Christ. I just got back from the post office! You kept going on and on about shipping the package and I kept asking where to put the tracking number and all this time I thought you just wanted me to put two and two together. And I thought, well obviously this guy wants it long and hard so I wrote the tracking number on a postcard and mailed it to you! After all that you’re telling me I could’ve just sent you a text? I am really trying here, but you are sending a lot of mixed signals. I thought I finally knew how to please you but apparently I’m just shit at it.”
Oh God. This isn’t one of those TV shows, is it?
Is this a prank show? Sir, you cannot put this on television. I forbid it! If my wife finds out what we’re doing here I’m going to be in the ball clamp for months if I’m lucky! And I mean that literally. My life is not a joke. If you are making a prank on me Tony, I will not allow this to get out!”
Tony Macaroni: “SO WHAT’S GOING ON NOW?”
Marcus Lieberman: “Frick and frack if I know, Tony.”
This one could’ve gone on, but sometimes you just need to know when to let someone go. First times are tough.
This is an ongoing series, because there are a lot of (or one very persistent) scammers on Craigslist. Missed the last one? Go find out about the gift for daddy’s boy.
