The Chronicles of Craigslist: A Gift for Daddy’s Boy
Sometimes I mess with scammers on Craigslist. Sometimes I talk them into buying sex toys.
WTF Is This?
Sometimes I sell things on Craigslist, and every time I receive annoying scam messages from at least one scam artist. Well, they don’t really bring much artistry to the table but they do offer an absurdly predictable pattern in their approach. And what is that if not an opportunity—to have some fun, of course.
Rather than block an endless stream of auto-generated numbers I decided to text these people back with the most ridiculous stories I could think of off the top of my head. Although, think is a strong word because the ultimate goal was just to text them whatever words popped into my head and resist any filtering. If it didn’t make sense, I’d make sense of it later. I will admit, however, I did occasionally have to look up a slang term or two (e.g. I forgot that “blow” is a slang term for cocaine, so, there are some challenges my personality insanity cannot easily overcome).
From just a few listings, I managed to have far more ridiculous conversations in a matter of a couple of hours. For all I know, it could have been with the exact same person—but that’s a little hard to think about.
This is one of those conversations.
A Gift for Daddy’s Boy
“Arnold” wanted to steal my camera. I insisted on a better deal for him and his “partner son.”
Note: Some information is censored for privacy/security, such as the location, cost, and details in the first message from “Arnold.” If you’re not familiar with Craigslist scam patterns, you may not recognize why that first message indicates a scam when “Arnold” begins with a legitimate question. Craigslist scammers tend to append the full headline of your listing, verbatim, into their first text message.
Because I censored that headline, it may look a little more normal than you’d find it if you’d received it on your phone. In its full glory, however, it looks like a computer-generated message to automate scams. When a Craigslist poster responds, a human scam artist can then step in and continue the conversation.
Arnold: “Do you still have it for sale and what’s the present condition?…… Sony a7R II [DETAILS] — $XXXX ([LOCATION])”
Adam: “Sorry I’m not sure which item you’re asking about it. Is it the photography device or the the his and her set of anal toys?”
Arnold: “photography device”
Adam: “Are you interested in the anal toys? I can make you a great deal for both.”
Arnold: “Alright what your total price for all?\\”
Adam: “Well, the whole set was $100 new so I was going to discount it a little, but since you want the photography device as well I would discount it 50%. You don’t really want to just buy a photography device without this set of anal toys because otherwise you don’t have anything to use the device for. And even if you’re new to anal, it’s great because it’s designed for beginners. There’s a whole set of instruction cards to help you and whomever make sure you don’t lose a bead up there or anything like that. It’s definitely on par quality-wise with the camera, and you don’t have to worry because my wife sterilized the entire batch before we packed it back in the box. You’d never know it wasn’t new.
Anywho, I suppose that brings the grand total up to $2,200. Ka-ching!
If I were in your shoes I’d be very excited. This is quite the deal.
How do you want to work out the details? Personally, I love PayPal the most. I insist we use PayPal.”
Arnold: “Alright im Arnold,im new on Craigslist and i hope the post is legit,i want it ship to my partner son here in state (New Jersey)im offering you $2,350 including the shipping cost,Do you have a PayPal account?i would like to see more picture of the item.”
Adam: “Oh, I don’t think the anal toys are meant to be used between father and son. I don’t think that’s okay, even in New Jersey.
Or when you say ‘partner son’ is that like ‘sister wife’ and is just code for something?
You know what, I trust you. You seem like a trustworthy guy. I’m sure you’ll use it for the right reasons.”
Meanwhile, nothing from Arnold so I poked the bear where he likes it.
Adam: “And I obviously do have a PayPal account. I LOVE PAYPAL. It’s hard to express how much I love it so here’s a song.
That basically is how I feel about PayPal.
Can we do this right now? I’m all pumped up about this sale!
How can we make this happen?”
Arnold: “Alright kindly get back to me with your paypal email address and name on account so i can send you the money now”
Adam: “YESS!!!!!”
Then my connection died for a few minutes.
Adam: “Oh my connection dropped out. I don’t know if you got all my messages.
Okay don’t text me for a minute
My email address is very long
I need to send it in pieces
I don’t want them to get mixed up and have you send all the moneys to the wrong person
I’ll let you know as soon as it is over.”
I wanted to type the entire thing out first and then break it up, so I made Arnold wait a few more minutes.
Adam: “pump-and-circumstance_8222_w_sunset_blvd_suite_3004_los_angeles_ca_90027
_41244566108809492_exp_03–18_cvv_928_please_order_kimchi_on_the_eggs
_alex_turpin_323–868–5001_never_forget_your_first_penetration_2017_for_emails_only_and_paypal_payments
Fun fact: If there isn’t a limit on email address length, that will actually go to me.
Adam: “Okay that’s all of it
You just need to put the four parts together and then you can PayPal that email
It’s safe to respond now”
But then Arnold went silent. He believed I wanted him to buy my used anal sex toy set but didn’t believe that email address was real? Because it is real.
Adam: “Are you still there??
Dude you got me all pumped
I just did some blow I got so pumped
LEt’s do this!!
Dude why aren’t you responding??
Aren’t you gonna PayPal me??
You can’t just rile a guy up and then leave him hanging”
It’s like I was suddenly nothing to him, like I’d never mattered. Maybe he was upset I didn’t share any of my “blow” with him?
Adam: “HEY
NOT COOL
I kNOW YOU WANT IT AS BAD AS I DO
LET’S MAKE THIS HAPPEN BRO
BRO
BROOOOO
BRO DID YOU BUY SOME OTHER CAMERA AND ANAL TOY SET? WTF?!
COME ON
The last song I sent you NO LONGER APPLIES
NOW THIS IS HOW I FEEL
DON’T BE JOCKIN ME BRO
WE HAD A DEAL!”
I let Arnold think about it for half an hour but his reply never came.
Adam: “Arnold, now that the cocaine has subsided in my system and I have returned to a normal state of mind, I can see how my comments might have frightened you. I want to instill confidence in my buyers, and I eroticized this sale without your consent. I verbally raped you and that is a truth that never washes clean. I don’t know if you can ever forgive me, but if you can I’d still love to sell your my camera and anal sex toy kit. I truly think you and your partner son would benefit greatly from them both.”
But it was too late. The damage was done. When you cross a line, more often there’s no going back.
Thank you for joining me. This is only one of many conversations that came from just a few posts on Craigslist spawned. They will continue. Also, I’d be remiss if I didn’t blame John Lindsay and James Veitch for making this happen, unbeknownst to them. I’m very sorry.
