The 5 Best Places to Find the Best Online (and 3 Places to Avoid)
Social networks are all about getting likes and favorites. To do that, you need to beat your competition to the best links. Satan and I can help.
Let’s face it, nobody cares about how good you look, how large your penis is, the size of your breasts, or how many Apple devices you own. The only currency in today’s world is internet savvy. You don’t have to be the first to post a viral video, you just have to be the first to show it to your friends. How can you do that when Net Neutrality is allowed to stop you from having better internet service than your crew?
Thankfully, the sacrifice you need to make doesn’t have anything to do with arcane rituals or animal bones (unless you want to protect yourself). All you need is some time, an internet browser, your precious life force, and this list. Easy!
Your Feed
Twitter, Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram, and that app you have an exclusive invite to (like everyone else), are perfect places to find that next big thing. Feeds are constructed in a way for us to fly through them. You won’t find a link to a lengthy dissertation on how Google tracks you even when you’re not online.
No, you’ll get a bite-sized list of Top 10 Google Apps for Lesbian kite surfers. The algorithms work for you, not against you. Seriously, you don’t want to see all of Kelly’s baby pictures. Her baby is not as cute as Sheila’s and Facebook knows it.
Problem solved! Thanks algorithm!
The saintly algorithms spare you my long, drawn out posts about privacy and just show you those amazing Trump memes and inflammatory opinions from your uncle. Taking the piss out of your uncle is some original content your friends won’t have. Grab that up and go!
Quuu
What if you don’t have the first thing I listed above, time? Not a problem, you don’t have to invest time into searching for killer gifs, there’s an app for that. More specifically, it is a service which allows people and businesses to automatically tweet and post to Facebook via Buffer. It’s curated content based on subjects you choose. Using this free service, you don’t even have to read the best articles, just post them
People will never guess that a bot is posting for you, aside from it using full words spelled correctly instead of abbreviated text speak. By the way, the content isn’t just found with fancy algorithms. Quuu uses actual people that they call Quuurators (get it? 😛) to find the best posts for each category. Sounds great, right?
Still not sure about the quality? Keep reading, because people and companies can pay Quuu to share their own products and content. Advertising, that’s a system that humans have never abused. The downside of Quuu’s free service is that you’ll only get 2 suggested posts a day. You better upgrade to the $10 per month tier to get 6 suggestions. Why work when you can pay someone else to do it for you?
Speaking of work, why not take the time you save to make your own content? If you really want to one-up your friends, simply pay Quuu to promote your horrible, sexist Youtube rants on other Quuu users’ social posts? Now, you’re not only finding the best content, but you’re making something original that will appear popular thanks to a $40 — $500 per month investment in the Quuu Promote service. Take that, pot smoking friend who lives off a trust fund and posts on Facebook all day!
Tag Any Combination of Letters, Numbers, or Gibberish on a Social Network with #SEO
SEO stands for search engine optimization. Basically, it’s a currency established by Google to value some internet posts more than others. Google Search is constantly working on ways of delivering quality results to your queries. People who work in SEO try to decipher Google’s methods to take advantage of the criteria. Would you rather play Pokémon GO for months to level up and collect Pokémon or pay someone in Germany to do it much faster? Welcome to the fun world of SEO!
If you use the tag #SEO, 18–20 “SEO experts” will request to be your friend. Follow these individuals back and you’re sure to get the BEST posts the internet has to offer. These clever folks use the positive term “optimization” rather than the derogative, “clickbait.” When your job is to make sites rank number one in Google search results, amidst all the other experts working to get the number one spot, you know what you’re talking about.
So repost, retweet, regram, resnap, or screencap anything posted by a person with “SEO,” “Digital Marketer,” “Life Coach,” or “Growth Hacker” in their biography. You’ll be swimming in likes, followers, and favorites in no time at all. This is why they’re so deserving of that title, expert.
If you’ve ever hoped to have your own private island, look no further than Google Search. The results are tailored exactly for you! Opponents call it an echo chamber or bubble because like Facebook’s algorithm, the search history is based on your previous searches and the links you clicked. From there, it ranks and shows the things that other people have clicked on the most.
When I say people, I mean everyone! More than 75% of Americans use Google. Worldwide, Google handles 2.3 million searches per second. So you’ll be getting the best of the best from Google Search. When has democracy every let you down?
Honestly, I had never really gotten into Reddit. However, I joined their Pebble community because it seemed like a valuable resource for my Pebble 2 watch which I received days before the company was sold and ended. When I visited frequently to get updates on Pebble’s tenuous status I would be greeted by the latest memes and news. Sure enough, 3–7 days later I would see those same things turn up on FB or Twitter.
Reddit seems to be filled with taste makers for many things like gifs and cute animal videos. The company Reddit knows what’s up, as well. When you sign up, don’t bother searching for your own interests. Simply use the company’s suggested pages. Mine them for content and wow your home schooled cousins in the Midwest on Facebook with the slow loris dance mix of the day.
Places to Avoid
Friends
Unsolicited opinions from your friends are terrible. They pretend to know what you like, but really they are just pitching something they each enjoy. How many times has one of your friends told you a joke or story that you initially shared with them? Then, he or she totally denies it, right? Can you really trust someone who just lurks on Snapchat and Instagram without posting anything? There’s something to be said for those who can post original content, good or bad. You can at least judge the quality of their posts before putting your feed in their hands. Thus, it’s dangerous to get suggestions from friends. Choose wisely. This is why you should trust algorithms and SEO experts instead.
Family
Possibly worst than friends, family assume they know what’s good for you. Your family takes advantage of the biological connection because they know that no matter how they treat you, that connection can never be severed.
Have you really enjoyed those socks every Christmas? Have those “Win a new bird feeder” posts your aunt tags you in ever payed off or are they more of an annoyance?
Those direct messages from your cousin about the threat to gun ownership may be sent with love and affection, but the subject matter was trending five years ago, not today. In truth, the best thing about family is that they have to put up with your bad social network shares, just as you have to put up with theirs. So, find something else, or post something original instead of pinching from family.
Blog Posts Like This One
If something looks too good to be true, obviously it is. There’s most likely an alternative motivation to make a list of the best of the best. Look at the URL when you hover over links. Are they all links to the site you’re reading? Your eyeballs are the most sought after commodity in the world. Forget oil, gold and platinum, websites need none of that. They’re only after your soul. It’s true! A website is basically a digital succubus, stealing your life force through your views.
How do we writers and site creators benefit from feeding you to the websites? It works like any multi-level marketing company, we recruit your eyeballs and we get rewarded. In this case, the demonic spawn masquerading as websites promise to torture website maintainers and writers a little bit less than the rest of you in hell. The more we recruit, the better off we will be. So basically, it works like Pure Romance, Herbalife, The Pampered Chef or whatever the latest “come to my house for a get together–Oh surprise, I’m selling something” party, pyramid scheme is trending.
Instead of fanning the flames of your eternal suffering in the afterlife, use the tips above to turn down the heat. Find the best of the best online and point others to them. Recruit more eyeballs for websites and receive minimum pain instead of maximum pain when you finally kick the bucket. Plus, you become more popular at the same time!
If you’re still having trouble with getting likes, views and favorites, post anything containing the Minions from the Despicable Me films. Remember, you can also protect yourself from the computational demonology online with a level 4 protection grid or Magick Crowley, available in most occult app stores. However, don’t get caught! The NSA (National Satanic Authority), is not lenient with violators.
