Please Enjoy Guy Fieri Eating to Dramatic Music

The glorified food porn host receives his fair share of criticism for being a frosted-tipped 1980s douchebag who is singlehandedly destroying American food culture. But have you considered the pain he must go through to bring knowledge of all the best diners, drive-ins, and dives to the world? Let’s walk a mile in Guy Fieri’s flaming shoes.

[embed]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELPKuKvo44k[/embed]

In a compilation set to Johnny Cash’s cover of “Hurt”, we experience the true depths of depravity Fieri must endure. Watch as he shovels piles of fried meat and starch into his gullet. With Cash’s sad guitar and deep vocals, the Food Network star’s ecstasy becomes pain; his knowing looks to the camera only express self-loathing.

To be fair, I could be walking down a sunny stretch of beach with an ice cream cone and a puppy and if “Hurt” came on I would stare pensively into the ocean. But Fieri owns the song, perhaps even rivaling Cash’s performance for the title of best music video of all time. Consider, for a moment, that Fieri’s show is a commentary on American gluttony — only made visible to us commoners by the addition of an emotional soundtrack. And then do away with that notion with the firm knowledge that Fieri definitely prefers the synthesized, metal Nine Inch Nails version.

For further enjoyment, we are blessed with slow-motion compilations of Fieri: one set to “Killing Me Softly” and the other to “Careless Whisper.” The “Killing Me Softly” version beautifully employs an anonymous piano cover of the Fugees classic. The thinly-veiled critique of Fieri’s eating habits ends by pronouncing him dead in 2013.

The George Michael take employs the obvious sexual overtones, which is something I think we can all get on board with. Imagine the colossal chef mounting you with a jar of barbecue sauce in-tow. Your intense love making would end with a Flavortown “O” face — conveniently located at 1:45 of the video.

For all the Fieri-ites, keep living the dream. And for all the haters, learn some damn respect for the godfather of donkey sauce.